Opposition Letter to The Board of Parole

Warning: DV/SA

Honorable Members of the Board of Parole,

It gets harder and harder to write these letters. At this point, I don’t have a lot of new ways to ask that you deny D’s parole. However, if you learned a bit about me from my last letter, you know how stubborn and determined I am so if I can do anything in my power to keep him in prison as long as possible, I’m going to do just that.

I’d like to compare the differences in the paths D and I have taken since that night, starting with a look into our relationship and the reason for his imprisonment. In the wee morning hours of June 8 2020, D was taken to jail for tearing my house apart, [redacted], and finally telling me to call the cops because he was going to kill me while running at me with a cast iron skillet. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the first time we had been in a physical altercation. This was the fifth violent fight. Over the course of our relationship, he not only destroyed many of my possessions, he also physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually abused me.

He kicked me down stairs, [redacted]. During our most violent fight, three months prior to the one in June, he dragged me from the kitchen to the living room by my hair [redacted]. A small trashcan was filled with chunks of my knotted-up hair the next morning.

He called me names, told me I was worthless, a taxing example of humanity, and said that if I wasn’t so stupid, he’d have stayed faithful. He made me feel crazy for not trusting him, but cheated on me from beginning to end. He threatened to blackmail [redacted] into impregnating her, [redacted], had profiles on several adult dating websites, and even destroyed a relationship with a long lost friend of mine by [redacted] in sexual discussion.

When it came to his sexual wants, if I would tell him, “no” he would start night-long arguments. He didn’t care about my consent. [Redacted] While I was writhing in pain on my bathroom floor, he laid on the bed, unconcerned and on his phone.

The emotional abuse went hand-in-hand with the physical. He would break up with me every fight, leave for a while - whereabouts unknown - to just come home and love on me again. I always felt sleep-deprived by the emotional back and forth and the 8+ hour fights. I would feel like his soulmate one day and his worst enemy hours later.

Then, he went to jail...following that, prison.

Healing from what he did to me was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It felt impossible. I don’t think I can convey how deeply I loved and cared for him.[redacted] I loved him more than myself - clearly - as I gave up who I was in order to try and support him. I loved him so much I was more than willing to handle the abuse - until that abuse became a death threat. They always say that you should believe someone when they tell you who they are, and man, that is some of the best advice. I should have believed him when he told me he wasn’t good. I should have believed him when he told me that he didn’t love me. Instead, I thought he was severely depressed and self-deprecating: failed job searches, no money, burned bridges of lost friendships, and a [redacted]. He was simply dealt a horrid case of “bad luck”.

Then, after he went to jail, I went through his user on my computer and saw our relationship for exactly what it was: a game. After I spent an obsessive amount of time pouring through the information in his account, I knew it was time to start clawing my way out of the black hole. Healing was excruciating. I spent the first few months unable to sleep. I would stare at the bedroom door irrationally thinking he was going to break out of prison and come kill me in my sleep. Hyper-vigilance is what it’s called. I couldn’t be still. I didn’t feel safe in my own skin. If it was too quiet, I would bolt upright in panic. I cried often and out of nowhere. Then after the despair, I went deep into research mode. What was a narcissist, the thing I had accused him of being just a few months prior? What was it like to be in a relationship with one? I had asked him if he thought he was a narcissist and he agreed. However, when confronted and asked to work on the harmful traits with a therapist, he suggested that I was trying to change his fundamental personality and refused help.

I’ve worked with my therapist weekly on recovery. I’ve looked for support in victim’s groups. I’ve read books about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. It took over a year to calm my nervous system down due in large part to wanting and needing to be involved in the court process. I worked with my advocate every step of the way. I made sure the district attorney kept me in the loop. I researched the justice system and my rights as a victim [redacted]. Because of the emotional and mental strain, I cut off friends and closed myself off from everyone for a long time. I tried to date and failed several times. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone when they suffer debilitating anxiety and paranoia.

I worked so hard, every single day, to come to terms with the fact that D never loved me. It was painful to force myself to cut all ties to him. I struggled for a long time to feel indifference instead of despair and hate. I had to completely change how I viewed myself after the damage he did. I worked to figure out what boundaries are, how to establish them, and how to stand up for myself when they were tested. I fought to find security within myself, something I am still working on today.

Not only is it hard to try and find different ways to show you how cold-blooded this man is, it’s difficult to talk about my trauma. It reopens wounds and forces me to face the pain he inflicted on me over and over again.

In addition to the above, we can take a lot from the last parole hearing as reasons to deny D parole. The six months between this hearing and the last is definitely not enough time for him to have learned any additional lessons. What I can guarantee is that he has come to this hearing today prepared to talk about all he’s done within these six months to give you the illusion of growth. D took everything from that hearing, all the reasons for denial, and is going to craft the perfect case for freedom.

He spent three years in prison and didn’t learn one thing. 
As mentioned in the last hearing, he was a public servant and as a previous lawyer, what he chose to do for personal growth throughout his sentence was quite literally the expected baseline for self-improvement. He did only what was required of him and nothing more. He made a mockery of you and insulted me along with abuse victims everywhere. He walked through the doors under the assumption that what little he’d done in the last three years was good enough to get him out of here.

That’s why when I hear what D has “accomplished” over the last three years, I am disgusted. He has done nothing to grow and learn. I need to know nothing more than what he didn’t do to know he has no remorse for what he has done. Not one single time have I heard D say he was sorry. Not once. During the initial court processes, he fought to plead innocence until he was told there would be no further deal. Only then did he change his plea to no contest. He has never admitted fault. He never offered restitution to [redacted]. The only thing he took ownership over was the manipulation - the one thing he is comfortable falling on the sword for is something he is internally proud of - how great of a manipulator he is.

The people who showed up on his behalf only talked about surface level details. There was no depth to the growth they claim he has done. What growth? Give me tangible examples, please! What has he done to put him on a solid path to never treat another human like this again?

I don’t know if he’s ever taken ownership of anything he’s done: his [redacted] Not once has he taken ownership, apologized with meaning, and changed his behavior. If there’s anything he’s learned from his mistakes, it’s how to not repeat the same one. He learns what not to do.

He placed a lot of his “growth” in his choice to be an NA/AA advocate, yet [redacted] so when did he actually start taking this seriously? Or is this just another task completed so you think he is an exemplary inmate? D places the blame on everything else. It’s the alcohol and drugs that are the problem. It’s the environment he puts himself in. Yes, of course these exacerbate the situation, but he’s the one with the core issues - issues he refuses to address. Not every abusive situation that happened in our relationship happened under the influence of alcohol or drugs. There were MANY sober moments of abuse. [redacted] When you asked him what he’ll do to assure he isn’t putting himself in a situation where he would get violent with a woman, he said he would remove himself from the situation. That’s the most blanket, textbook, Google-search statement ever. There was no embellishment in the answer because he will never admit he is an abuser.

Narcissism is a deep-seated feeling of insecurity, at least that’s what studies today are starting to confirm. But the thing is, as a narcissist, you have to want to change. You have to want to address the insecurities and harmful projections. However, because he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him, D has little chance of growth. I don’t know how or why he became this way, but I do know that at some point, he needs to take accountability. Mental health isn’t our fault, but it is our responsibility. Deep down I know D will be paralyzed - stuck with internal suffering until the end of his days because he will never acknowledge his mental illness, the harmful things he has done to others, and seek restitution or forgiveness, not even within himself.

I ask you again to please deny his parole. People who don’t feel remorse shouldn’t be forgiven. He’s a thief, a narcissist, and an abuser. I am tired of reliving my trauma over and over again and I hope that this is the last letter I’ll ever have to write. But know that if he comes back, I will as well. I will be sitting beside the woman he harmed, holding you accountable by writing another articulate letter telling you to see this man for who I am telling you he is.

Thank you,

Rhegan