29 feels different. I don’t think I’ve had a birthday that really felt like I was getting older. My 18th birthday arrived at a slow pace because, of course, all I wanted was to be an adult. My 21st birthday was uneventful. When I turned 25 I thought I should be going through some sort of quarter-life crisis, but apparently that was saved for the big 2-9. Everyone keeps reminding me that it’s the last of my 20s, as though I should be celebrating and not freaking out. The last of my 20s…good. I disliked a lot of my 20s. However, I am not fucking ready for my 30s. Hence the freaking out.
I’m officially on my own, and right now, I’m not handling that amazingly. I’ve bounced from 3 serious relationships for the past 6.5 years. For the first time in my life I’m consciously adult-ing on my very own. I can’t afford anything…really. I am worried about where the fuck I’m going in my life, considering I left a management position in a retail job almost 4 years ago to find something new and exciting and well…I work in retail…again. It’s a bit different because I love my job so very much, but it’s hard seeing people the same age as you in a far better position, with higher pay, families started, babies made (even though I’m fine without babies), and what seems like a proper, set, grown-up life. All while I sit here floating about in my life: a certified power yoga instructor that isn’t teaching, a person with 2 college degrees thinking about getting one more, struggling to put proper, healthy food in my fridge, and find time and money for the copious amounts of hobbies I have. It’s hard, sometimes. Some days (like this Wednesday morning), all I can focus on is the negative…the questions that are hard to answer: Where am I going? What the fuck do I have to show for myself? Can I buy some damn healthy groceries? How can I find time for another job or how can I get some extra cash? Or should I even care about that at all? Other days, I’m fine…and I’ll tell you why…
I have an amazing family. My parents are always there for me and I can’t even put into words my love for them. My siblings are amazing and I’m so proud to be their big sister. I have this large, crazy, extended family and I love every one of them, even those I haven’t met yet. I have a beautiful, little chihuahua named River. She’s a breed I thought just wasn’t for me, but visiting Hearts United for Animals and feeling the longing of all the poor little ones that just needed some love, I couldn’t help but feel the need to save her. She grows as I grow. She teaches me patience and has given me stability. I need her as much as she needs me. And my friends…I simply have the best friends anyone could ask for. My coworkers become family. Hell, we probably see each other more than we see our own families. They are my favorites. I feel so much love from them today and I couldn’t be more thankful that I’m a part of that “cult”. I’ve never had a birthday before with so much kindness given to me in words, thoughts, and mantras.
The life stuff…the truth is that no one really has it together. Most of us just pretend to know what the fuck we are doing, taking comfort in knowing that pretty much everyone else is faking it until they make it, too. I bet a lot of the people that I think have it completely together are asking themselves the same questions that I ask myself. Sometimes, it’s really hard, but to be honest, I’m just not that cookie cutter kind of person. I don’t have that lifestyle. I never have been that person. I’ve always been the mysterious outsider, the loner, the private introvert who is damn good at pretending to be an extrovert. I don’t know what category I come from…but it’s my own. I do know that I’m incredibly passionate and this gets me into trouble a lot. I pole dance, do aerial fitness, paint, make pottery, love technology, am a big Joss Whedon nerd, adore geeky things, love science, am Jack of all trades and master of none, and am fiercely, aggressively independent. I push limits, ride fine lines, and sometimes take big leaps into good or bad things solely based on my feelings. Then I learn the lessons that follow. I may never have that white picket fence kind of life…but to be honest…I’m not sure my personality could take that. Which is why, sometimes, adult-ing is so hard. I don’t have those kind of plans that some people do at 29. I don’t know what I’m going to be when I “grow up”. No clue. I may never know. I want to do it all. Maybe the 30s will shed light on some kind of path.
Right now, I'm going to try to enjoy and accept who I am today, make a crown out of flowers for my birthday festivities tomorrow, and cherish time with my best friend while feeling all the love sent my way on my 29th birthday.